ISSA-USA and Canada Join the Many Muslim Voices Condemning the Murder of Aasiya Hassan and Sharing the Call to Action for Increased Domestic Violence Awareness
Islamic Social Services Association Inc. Launches Public Awareness Campaign Aimed at Highlighting the Contributions of Manitoba Muslims
Twenty Muslim Groups Urge 'Zero Tolerance' for Domestic Violence
Take Action on Violence Against Women
ISSA-USA and Canada Join the Many Muslim Voices Condemning the Murder of Aasiya Hassan and Sharing the Call to Action for Increased Domestic Violence Awareness
Islamic Social Services Association Inc. Launches Public Awareness Campaign Aimed at Highlighting the Contributions of Manitoba Muslims
Twenty Muslim Groups Urge 'Zero Tolerance' for Domestic Violence
The tragedies of Aqsa Parvez and Stephanie Donnelly— two young Canadian girls both killed by their fathers --are tragedies that need a deeper analysis and a comprehensive understanding of the different variables at play. As a social work practitioner and spiritual counselor who has been working with Muslim families for over twenty years, I am very concerned with the superficial analysis and sensational coverage of this very complex and tragic issue. Expressions from both within the Muslim community and the wider community, in particular the media, are creating an environment of debate and confrontation rather than a resolve to come together and prevent such heartbreaks from ever happening again.
One of the concerns of the Muslim community is the strikingly different coverage in our media of the death of Aqsa Parvez as opposed to the coverage of the death of Stephanie Donnelly - the former Muslim and the latter Christian. The following discussion will focus on issues facing Muslims families in Canada in light of the Parvez tragedy.
On the one hand, there are those who insist that this is an “Islamic” thing--a cruel persecution of a young Canadian girl at the hands of her immigrant, Pakistani, Muslim father. They uncompromisingly claim that Aqsa died because she refused to adorn the Muslim garb of modesty. Their sources of information are her school friends. However as reported in the news one of her closest friends asserted that the Hijab issue was just one of many clashes between the victim and her father and that the other women in the family did not wear the Hijab.
For the sake of argument let us assume it is true that the father killed his daughter over a piece of cloth. This is not so difficult if we also acknowledge for example that some Muslim men are known to kill their daughters and sons in the name of “honour” in Pakistan, Jordon and many other Muslim countries, so why not here? This is a neat package and hard to argue against without coming across as defending the father and blaming the victim. Furthermore those who cater to this viewpoint use it as a battle cry to assemble forces against multiculturalism.
On the other hand we have an equally uncompromising position within some in the Muslim community that claim that this tragedy is the result of western influences and the product of a Canadian society that encourages youth to disobey their parents. Those who hold this position also insist that Muslim fathers could not kill their children since it is an abhorrent act and strictly forbidden in Islam. To argue against this position is also impossible without appearing to claim that Islam indeed condones this crime (which incidentally is easily proven as untrue). This stance may feed into our fears but does little to build and construct a healthy community. It encourages isolation and breeds extremism.
What both these views fail to consider is that by exclusively framing this tragedy in the context of culture and faith, instead of a human issue of a broken family, we are failing to strategize on how to prevent such tragedies and to develop resources to help families in trouble.
And here in lies the crux of the matter: How do you maintain pride in your roots if your values are demonized, ridiculed and condemned? What, if any, recourse does a parent have when the values of their family are labeled as un-Canadian and unjust by members of society from schools to service providers and the justice system?
Consider the challenge of parents whose values dictate that it is a sin to consume alcohol and to indulge in sexual activities before or out side of marriage, to observe modesty in public, and that staying out late at night is unacceptable? Who do these parents turn to when their children challenge these values and there is a breakdown in communication? What recourse do these parents have when they find themselves frustrated and alone? What agencies understand their dilemma and offer culturally and spiritually competent help? Who will help mediate a resolution so that the family can stay intact? Who will help this family through this rough patch so it does not fall apart?
The stresses immigrant families are facing are many. Some are working at minimum wage and holding multiple jobs in order to provide comfortable lives for their children. This in turn means less time for family, recreation and rest. Of course this is not to say that all parents under stress will hurt their children, but a few do break under this kind of pressure. These are not necessarily bad parents or children. They just do not have the emotional, spiritual and mental capacity to deal constructively and functionally with life’s challenges. For example from all accounts Aqsa was well provided for. She was physically nourished and the family had a comfortable dwelling. Obviously something was not right and yet the family did not or could not access help. There could be many reasons for this; the one I often hear are: “if we admit we need help or seek help, Family Services will take our children and place them in non-Muslim homes and they will lose their faith or will be converted.”
Most importantly an examination of our current services and attitudes is critically warranted. The shallow responses of “hey, they are in Canada so let them be Canadian teens” is irresponsible and callous. It is easy to shrug our shoulders when we do not really see any merit in the values these parents hold dear. We, therefore, do not care that our response can be destructive and devoid of empathy. After all what is one more teenage pregnancy , one more drunk driver, one more teen runaway, one more broken family, one more youth on the street with no support net work and one more child prostitute - it is only statistics, eh!.
The claim that this tragedy unfolded over the absence of a piece of cloth on the young girls head is an oversimplification and unjust. Perhaps they did argue over her revealing clothes but which parent hasn’t had this argument with their teenage daughter? But to conclude from this that Aqsa’s father killed her over this because he is Muslim and Pakistani is to be ignorant to the fact that majority of Pakistani women do not observe the head scarf. The cultural norm that this father is supposed to be drawing from is, therefore, a myth. Furthermore, as reported by a family friend, other members of the family did not wear the hijab either.
Pakistani culture is as diverse as its geography. To claim that Pakistani culture is intrinsically misogynist because some Pakistani men mistreat women is like claiming that western culture is intrinsically sexist because some here discriminate against women. The name calling, however, does not help. What will help is to identify, recognize and address that misogyny and sexism exist in every culture and ethnicity, and that we must fight it and eliminate it wisely, justly and strategically in all its manifestations.
Secondly it is equally false that the norm for all Canadian teens is a culture of drugs, booze and sexual freedom. Therefore to blame western cultural values for the dysfunction of this family is also a cop-out. These children are Canadians and they must be encouraged to adopt the good norms of this culture and to reject anything that violates their belief system. Using emotional or physical violence to get children to comply does not work especially in matters of faith. As the Quran states “there is no compulsion in faith.”Immigrant parents that are having difficulty integrating orin parenting their youth must have access to quality programming and training so they may cope with family issues and challenges in a meaningful, spiritually and culturally compatible manner without violating the laws and norms of Canada. This can be done and it has been done by hundreds of thousands of Canadian Muslims. For example among foreign born Muslims who’ve been in Canada more than 15 years 99% say they are proud to be in Canada and 88% proclaim they are very proud.
The second spirit of multiculturalism that Adams so eloquently explains in his book ‘Unlikely Utopia’ is the expectation that “in-group belonging would ultimately help immigrants and their children feel secure enough to participate in mainstream society.” The question I have is--where was this sense of security within the Muslim/Pakistani community of immigrants? Why could this family not find help and assistance within the community?
Why are there no Muslim social services, social workers, counselors that this family could turn to without the fear that they would be told that their values are out dated and un-Canadian and would instead help communicate the values of mercy and compassion within their faith and culture.”
I cannot help but anguish over the fact the Muslim community in general is blind to the plight of our families and why are we spending millions on building grandiose mosques and spectacular centres when some of our families are dying of neglect, lack of help assistance and professional care.
I found it extremely hypocritical of my community and its leadership when right after this tragedy was reported went into a frenzy trying to find someone to blame and making promises I knew would not be kept . Where is the support for Islamic Social Services Association and others like it devoted to social service, family and mental health needs of Canadian Muslims? Our silence and inaction is more telling of our indifference towards our own than our hollow slogans of sisterhood and brotherhood.
Violence against women is not perpetuated in a vacuum. By our silence, we condone it; by our rationalizing, we accept it; and through our whining, we shrug off our responsibility.
Furthermore Muslim parents from south Asia in particular are deluding themselves if they believe that their Bollywood inspired social lifestyle will nurture a Muslim character. When these children are exposed to cultural and social norms that violate Islamic values in their formative years while being isolated from the positive influences of the broader Canadian society these youth can learn very early to maintain different personalities in different situations; leading to confusion, resentment and stress.
To honour Aqsa and to learn from this family’s tragedy is to resolve as a nation that we will work together to help our families in crisis, that we will listen rather than condemn, that we will assist with our wealth and our persons those who are trying against all odds to bring peace to conflict ridden families and to alleviate the suffering of broken families with compassion and understanding. We must agree that tragedies such as this are not the domain of any one community. That instead of resorting to ridicule and demonization of any one people we will help families rather than draw the wedge of culture between them.
Aqsa Parvez and Stephanie Donnelly were both our daughters, sisters and friends, we let them and their families down and it is about time we respond as a caring nation rather than one divided and in denial.